Emotions! What are they Good for? Absolutely Nothing!?
Have you gotten feedback from a partner, friend, or family member that you struggle to express how you feel?
Is it hard to recognize how you are feeling and name the emotion?
Maybe you feel a lot but keep it inside and don’t share it with others, even those that are close to you.
These are signs that you may have experienced emotional neglect in your past – a common experience where the emotional life of a person is not acknowledged or validated in the way it needed to be.
Our society overall tends to neglect emotions. There is far more emphasis on achievement, success, looking good, or projecting looking happy about life (when the reality is more complex).
Families will often neglect emotions, focusing more on getting the practical and physical needs of the child met and not knowing how to address the emotional needs of children.
In relationships we may blame the other person, criticize them, or just shut down and not share how we feel.
In the media we hear “That person is a jerk!” “All men/women are ___” “I can’t believe he did that!”
Instead, we could be saying “I feel so hurt by his words, my real needs in a relationship are love and affection.”
Or “I feel triggered because the way your voice sounds reminds me of someone in my past that treated me poorly, can we change the way we are talking?”
Those last two take quite the emotional awareness and skill in expressing feelings.
So if you feel like you often don’t know how you are feeling, what you are needing, or how to express your emotions in a healthy way, you are not alone.
It takes time and intention to increase our awareness of our emotional landscape and communicate it to our partner, friend, family or even to ourselves.
So here’s a few tips to get you started:
- Set time everyday to check in with your emotions. Set a timer if you need it. A few times throughout the day, close your eyes and ask “How am I really feeling right now?” And just notice. No need to change it or argue with it. Just notice.
- Let go of judging yourself for feeling a certain way. Any thoughts of “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” or “what is wrong with me for feeling this way?” or “I wish this feeling would just go away”… Just notice those thoughts and let them go. Your feelings need gentle attention, validation, care, and acceptance.
- Breathe and give yourself space. Taking a few deep breaths can allow your body and mind to settle more into a space of safety and allow pushed down feelings to slowly show up for your awareness. It’s ok, you are big enough and strong enough to hold whatever feelings show up for you.
- Allow yourself to feel. When we don’t push our feelings away, we give ourselves the opportunity to process them and let them move through us. Emotions are just that – energy-in-motion. Let them move through you and they won’t last forever.
- Notice if you are over-indulging in feelings. If you find yourself completely caught up in an emotion – take a break and give the feeling some space. Let it play out and also know that you are bigger than any feeling and you can see a greater perspective.
Ultimately emotions are important because they point us back to our needs and values.
Once we’ve made space for our feelings, we can ask:
- What does this feeling say I need right now? Love, appreciation, acknowledgement, space?
- What does this feeling show that I care about? My own safety? This relationship?
Like a “check engine” light on a car, our emotions point us to a deeper truth about the moment that we don’t want to ignore.
Being able to recognize, name, hold space for, accept, be present with, and express emotions in a healthy way is a real gift and a vital part of a rich fulfilling life.
I hope this post has been helpful for you in some way as you continue your mindful journey. And feel free to share it with those that it might help.
Until next month,
Ellis Edmunds, Psy.D. – Mindful Therapy for Anxiety and Relationship Issues in Oakland/Alameda and Online in California.